. . . Food of All Time (by Jesse Roddy - https://tinyurl.com/ya36p7fk )

FRUITCAKE: This is a trick entry because no one in the history of
Christmas-not even when it was still a series of pagan rituals-has ever
rated fruitcake highly. The candied monstrosity is not only the most
overrated Christmas food ever, it's also overrated as a doorstopper,
which is its second-most-common use. In a post-truth, violently divisive
world, fruitcake may be the only thing we can all agree on. A true
Christmas miracle.

MULLED WINE: is what happens when sangria gets left outside for three
weeks during a July heatwave. No amount of cinnamon, cloves, or English tradition can compensate for the fact that heating red wine, tripling
its sugar content, and tossing a few raisins in there for good luck is objectively unappetizing.

GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE: Green beans are a controversial vegetable at the
best of times. Yes, they're green. Yes, they can technically be cooked
well. Yes, they have a die-hard fan club. But you will never convince me
that promoting green beans to CEO of an entire casserole is a good
business decision. Green beans are the vegetable equivalent of an
attractive person with zero personality. To think this vegetable can
carry an entire carboholic staple is an affront to logic.

TURKEY: Over the past century, turkey has edged its way to the top of
the meat pack as the leading holiday centrepiece. This despite the fact
that it's the blandest of white meats. Turkey requires a minimum down
payment of half a pint of salt before it's even edible. Turkey is a
soporific. Turkey makes your grandfather snore on the couch with his
mouth open. Why else do you think there are 47 side dishes that are contractually obligated to accompany turkey? Come to think of it, this
entire Christmas tradition sounds like a diabolical marketing scheme by
Big Cranberry.

CRANBERRY SAUCE: Speaking of which, unless you have a raging UTI this
turkey accompaniment is at the bottom of the sides list. Of course,
there are people whose tastebuds are chemically articulated to enjoy the flavour of a berry that's had all the sweetness drained out of it and
replaced with expired motor oil, but most people (accurately) find the
texture and taste of cranberry sauce to be creepy. Maybe this year, we
can skip the canned model and head straight for the good stuff.

MIXED NUTS: Your parents' worst friends were the ones who only served
dishes of nuts for visitors. These were the same nuts that sat in the
same dish for a minimum of three years because no one ever touched them.
You know exactly which friends I'm talking about. While nuts in and of themselves are fine, it's a matter of ethics to ensure they're
accompanied by at least one genus of non-nut snack, like chocolate or
fruit. This doubly applies during the holidays.

EGGNOG: Eggnog is a drink comprised of eggs, sugar, cream, and nog, a
rare East Anglian spice that blooms once a year near the dairy aisle and
is believed to increase arterial plaque by 8,000%. History reveals that
eggnog used to be a popular Christmas drink amongst 18th-century
aristocrats, suggesting a causal link to the era's heavy mortality rate,
as 100% of 18th-century British aristocrats are now dead.

CANDY CANES: Just like every economic model in human history, candy
canes are far better in theory than in practice. The idea of a "white"
candy stick, curved to resemble a shepherd's crook, was reportedly
invented at the behest of a 17th-century German choirmaster who wanted a church-approved way to keep the children acting out the Nativity scene
good and quiet. Despite the hilarity of using sugar to keep children
good and quiet, candy canes soon spread across Europe and became a
Christmas staple. The red swirl and peppermint flavour make for a
supremely recognizable symbol. However, cheap, mass-produced versions of
late have increased the odds that any candy cane you now consume over
the holidays will break into tiny shards and cement into your teeth
where it will instantly metamorphose into a Christmas cavity.

CHRISTMAS PUDDING: Make no mistake, your Gran's Christmas pudding is
nothing more than a compendium of all the leftovers she had in her
fridge from October until the day they were hastily assembled in a giant
bowl and masked with large quantities of brandy.

BOILED CARROTS: A boiled carrot is the encyclopedic definition for a
tasteless, boring collection of molecules. It is the "being on hold with government services for three hours" of foods. It is a peer-reviewed, sociologically accepted fact that you only serve boiled vegetables to
people you despise.

PIGS IN A BLANKET: Please do not make me associate the meat-based food I
am about to consume with something cute and helpless. While I'm certain
smoked sausages wrapped in buttery fried pastry are delicious, their
name merits use in every PETA campaign and should not be part of the
same holiday as Rudolph and his union-employed reindeer friends.

BREAD SAUCE: Bread sauce is a medieval-era food that originated in
England. The sauce consists of milk (warm or cold) and onions, then
thickened with stale bread. Unlike some of its contemporary delicacies,
such as entrail pie, zombie cat, and porpoise soup, bread sauce has
somehow contravened the natural laws of physics and remained a
traditional Christmas dish people still willingly consume.

POUND CAKE: While this Christmas treat is miles ahead of its universally loathed colleague (Fruit Cake), what you signal when you bake a pound
cake is that you ran out of anything interesting to put in your cake and
didn't care enough to run to the store.

CONTINUED IN PART II (Yes, Virginia, there's more)

... Whoever buys the shot gets to make the toast.
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